I recently learned the meaning of dissociation, and realized that I was experiencing a mild form of it as I lived my ‘zombie life’ in the past couple of weeks, refusing to allow myself to feel all the things. So many things! Ugh. But I think I’m moving into a new stage of processing our new American reality by using a slightly less detrimental way to cope: immersing myself in nostalgia for happier times. I know this can also be unhealthy if I let it get out of hand, but I just need it for a little while. Let’s just say I’m still in the denial stage of grieving. And I plan to enjoy it while I can, because I know I eventually have to accept reality and get back in the game.

I often feel homesick for Japan, and the events of recent weeks have made me long for Tokyo like never before. I shared this photo ten years ago, but I wanted to put it here again to help me remember how happy I was during that part of my life.

Those five years were the happiest time of my life. I was deeply immersed in a culture very different from my own, and learned what it’s like to be a foreigner in another country. The empathy I learned there was a gift that helped me understand how hard it can be for people to move to my own country. Adjusting to life where you don’t speak the language and where your physical appearance immediately identifies you as an “outsider” can be extremely tough. I’m forever grateful that the Japanese treated me better than some Americans treat immigrants here.

Roughly 60,000 Americans live in Japan now, many moving there because it’s a very safe place to live, and it’s easy to get healthcare. I miss feeling safe, especially now that violence is being increasingly tolerated and even encouraged by some ‘leaders’ in my country. But since it’s not feasible for me to move back there at this point in my life (sadly), I’ve decided to indulge in some hard core nostalgia as a form of self care during this difficult time. I’m rediscovering all the things I loved about the culture and beauty of Japan, allowing myself to escape into a little fantasy world for a while. And it’s helping. Today I feel like I can finally breathe again after months of having my body twisted in knots of tension that caused frequent migraines. It’s strange how we don’t realize how much physical pain we’re holding in our bodies until it’s somehow released. For me there’s generally a very deep sigh as I feel the muscles relax. That moment brings pleasure, of course, but also sadness at the heightened awareness of how I’ve adapted to living in constant pain. I’ve been told by chiropractors and massage therapists that my body holds more tension than nearly any other patient they have. Self care is getting increasingly important for me as I age and my body is less resilient, so I’m doubling down right now.

One aspect of Japanese culture that I want to revisit is the way they prepare their food and the practice of serving individual dishes on mismatched plates and bowls of various sizes. Oddly enough, I haven’t spent much time making Japanese food at home in the 34 years since I came back to the US. It’s easy enough to get Japanese food in Toledo restaurants, so I guess I haven’t felt the need to fix it at home. Until now, that is. I have a small collection of traditional Japanese serving dishes that I’ve used occasionally but have mostly kept protected in a display cabinet as treasured mementos of my life there. But now I’m going to pull them out and use them more often.

With that in mind, I went to a large Asian grocery store (Kirin Asian Mart) in my neighborhood today and stocked up on the vinegars, oils, and other ingredients that I’ll need to make some of the simpler dishes. This photo shows a few of the items I purchased today. It also shows a few of my beautiful little dishes and one of my favorite kokeshi dolls.

You know how some people get comfort from rubbing smooth rocks? Well, the turned-wood head of this kokeshi doll serves that purpose for me.

I had to really force myself to make this outing to the store today because my ‘depression brain’ keeps telling me I don’t need to leave the house. I’m so glad I was able to stifle that voice today because I had a beautiful moment in the Asian supermarket: I smiled for the first time in weeks! I’d nearly forgotten what it felt like to smile. And what was it that brought a smile to my heart? Pocari Sweat! Back in the 1980s we always laughed when we came across this beverage in vending machines around Tokyo. Would you want to drink a product with that name?! It’s a sports drink that replaces electrolytes, like Gatorade. I’m sort of surprised that they haven’t changed that name over the years, but apparently it’s still popular. I remember tasting it one time and thinking it really did taste like sweat.

And I was overjoyed to find bottles of Ramune (ラムネ), a carbonated soda similar to Sprite that has a fascinating bottle design. There’s a marble inside to seal the bottle, and when you unseal it, the marble drops down to the pinched section of the bottle and clinks around in there as you drink your soda. Wikipedia explains the history of this type of bottle if you’re interested in clicking over there for a moment. And you can listen to the pronunciation of the word ラムネ in the Japan Dictionary, here. It comes in many flavors now, but I bought the original one that I remembered. It’s far too sweet for me to enjoy often, but it was fun to have one today.

Here’s my bottle after I used the cap tool to push the marble down, resulting in a strong pressure release – THUNK! I love how the marble is covered with bubbles of carbon dioxide at first. I’m enjoying my Ramune right now with a delicious lemon rice cake (daifuku mochi). I feel transported by these flavors and memories, and this is exactly what I need in this moment.

Another way of indulging in this comfort of my Japan memories is by watching “Hajimete no Otsukai” (“First Errand”), a reality show in which very young Japanese children are sent out on their first solo errands. (The English name of the show is “Old Enough” on Netflix.) I love seeing how the entire villages watch over the adorable little ones as they carry out their missions. There are some tears, but I’m impressed at how these kids under four years old are able to follow instructions that I might even have trouble remembering. For those of you who don’t have Netflix, here’s an episode on Vimeo where a two-year-old goes on an errand.

When I watch this show, I really enjoy listening to people speaking Japanese. I’m often surprised how much I still understand when I check the English subtitles.

One regret I’ve had about my time in Japan was that I hadn’t yet tuned in to nature at that point. My life was very much human-focused, and mostly spent in the massive metropolis of Tokyo. I never went on a single forest hike there. I was barely aware of birds and insects, and it’s only decades later that I know how many amazing species I missed out on enjoying. Oh well, spilled milk and all that….

I’m thrilled that I’ve found a new reason to dive into my old photos and mementos from Japan, and that they are helping to lift me out of this pit I’ve been wallowing in. And just look, I’ve written TWO blog posts in November. That’s more than I was able to write for the months of August, September, and October combined! Not being able to write was painful for me, and every time I sat at my computer to draft something, I’d wonder what on earth I had to say that would matter to anyone anymore. But I think that, going forward, I will be writing about a wider variety of topics, whether or not they’re nature-related. I’m considering setting up a separate blog or Substack so that I can keep this blog more narrowly focused for the people who have subscribed for the nature content. My 20-year blogging anniversary is coming up in about a month, and it feels like a good time to reassess and possibly make some changes. Stay tuned.

Thanks for reading, and take care of yourselves!

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Bonus content: YouTube also has a wide variety of videos showing Japanese people in their daily lives. The other day I came across an interviewer talking to Americans who live in Japan, asking them about whether they plan to stay there or return to the States. The answers are enlightening. I’ve set the video below to begin at a particular interview (20 minutes from the beginning) with a young woman from Oklahoma who has lived in Japan for ten years. I encourage you to listen for the full two-and-a-half minutes as she explains why she feels life is better in Japan. If you watch to the end of this video you’ll see a section where all of the Americans begin answering in fluent Japanese — it’s impressive. And one of them has been doing comedy in Japanese for 17 years. Incredible.