You all know how I’ve relied on close contact with the natural world to keep me grounded and allay my worries, and it has worked great most of the time. But not recently. You may have noticed I haven’t written here for a couple months; it’s because I’ve been so upset about the political turmoil in the country and didn’t have anything positive to say. I’ve not slept for more than a couple hours at a time for the past week as the election approached. Like many Americans, I’ve been in a bad place emotionally, unable to do the things that my body and mind need to be healthy. Nature is definitely not my therapy right now. In fact, I’m questioning whether anything can calm my fears after what happened in my country yesterday.

Nearly 72 million Americans elected a convicted felon as the leader of the free world. Again. How deeply shameful. So many of us were proud and excited to work towards electing Kamala Harris, an intelligent, caring, and yes, joyful woman. She’s been so refreshing, and made me feel more hopeful — and American — than I’ve been in a long time. (Obama 2008, anyone?) I spent weeks handwriting 200 postcards to Democratic voters in Ohio, encouraging them to use the power of their votes. I had recurring weekly donations to several important candidates, in Ohio and other states. And all of it was in vain. In addition to the presidency, we lost cherished longtime Senator Sherrod Brown. Ohio’s Issue 1, which would have been a good start to reduce the extreme gerrymandering in our state, failed.

I’m struggling to write rationally right now because my sadness and fears are so strong. But I think it’s important for my voice to be heard in this moment; I refuse to go quietly and sit in a corner. Just after midnight last night, when the result wasn’t final but was becoming clear to me, I went out in my backyard. I felt the need to look up at the sky and try to connect to the universe to get myself grounded. It was raining and I was crying, and I couldn’t help but imagine the raindrops as tears from the sky. Those cool teardrops mixed with my own, running down my cheeks as I tried to make sense of it all in the quiet of the night.

And it was unusually quiet last night. Normally I can hear traffic on the main road a block from my house, but I heard no traffic last night. It was as if the city was holding its breath as the final hours of ballot counting played out. I roamed aimlessly around the garden for a while, even picking up the pond net to scoop some leaves, stalling as I tried to figure out how to go forward in this new world order that will be upon us in January. This newly-re-elected president has promised (threatened) to dismantle many of the government programs relied upon by millions of Americans and to seek revenge on his political opponents. I’m paralyzed with fear today and haven’t moved from my sofa for six hours. I know I’ll eventually recover from this initial knockout punch, but this pause is necessary for me in this moment.

But I wonder, how should I find hope today, when my health insurance may be taken from me at a time in my life when I need it the most? How do I find hope when our elected representatives spew hateful lies on a daily basis? How do I go about my daily life when I know that half of the people around me voted for this? I admit, it’s incredibly hard not to lash out. I’ve tried for years to understand the people who voted for this person and his party’s other candidates. Some of my own family voted for him and that is heartbreaking on a level that’s hard to explain. You grow up alongside people and love them, and think you know them; then you find out you don’t know them at all. I know I’m not alone in admitting that it’s difficult to maintain a relationship if you don’t have a shared reality anymore.

I’m finding some solace in messaging with my friends as we check on each other in the aftermath. It helps remind me that there are many good people in the world doing wonderful things to lift up their communities. I may be afraid now, but I’m not dead yet, and that means I live to fight another day.

I’ll leave you with this: the readers of “Reasons to be Cheerful” gave their responses when presented with the sentence, “No matter who wins, ________________.” The responses remind us that, as disheartening as this moment is, it’s not the end of the world and we can regroup and continue to work for the good of our communities and our environment. Poet Rebecca Faulkner compiled some of those responses into a beautiful poem (linked in the image below). I encourage you to click through and read it; it may give you a lump in the throat, but it will also lift you up.

A Post-Election Day Poem

It’s interesting that I started this post saying that I can’t find hope in my heart, but just the process of writing it helped me work through things a little bit. I’m still angry and hurt and afraid, but I’m also resilient and I will get through this. (But I will never forget this moment and these feelings.) I hope that you can find support in your own communities, and that we can all do our best to show love and compassion and not allow ourselves to be dragged down by this setback in the long march for a just world.